Son, It's Time for "The Talk"

My Dear Son,

One of the great joys of being a father is watching his boy grow into a man. It is a journey that all of us have taken and every boy must take. I must say that watching you grow up has been a joy and I could not be prouder. I look at your character and love for Christ and am thankful that God has blessed me with such a great son. I cherish our times together, especially when we go to cheer on our beloved Rays…win or lose…side by side!

It is about becoming a man that I want to speak with you today. It is a talk that fathers have with their sons. My grandfather had it with my dad…and my dad had it with me.  I am sure that they have discussed with you in school the biological functions of maturing for both men and women. You have learned about changes that are occurring in your own body and in the bodies of girls. You have learned how sexual activity can create babies, and I am sure they have talked about birth control. If you have any questions about these subjects do not feel embarrassed to ask me. I am here for you. What I am here to talk with you about today is what they did NOT teach you in school…what it means to become a man and how to make good decisions regarding the changes you are going through. Some of the things you may have heard from your friends are not true. Some of the things you may have heard from your teachers may not be in accordance with our values as Christians. As you travel this road to manhood, look to me, your father, as one who has travelled this road before you as your trusted guide.

Christ spoke of the world as a wheat field. The good farmer sowed wheat and his enemy sowed weeds. The two crops grew up side by side. This is a great illustration of the world that we live in. There are many messages from this culture about values, sex, morality, and how to conduct ourselves that come from the weeds. It is often difficult to discern what is what. That is why we have the Bible as our guide on how to make good decisions. When you are faced with decisions to make in this area, consult the scriptures. Do not listen to the messages of television, movies, magazines, and even your friends. Look to God for truth and you will not be led astray.

God is central to the maturing process. Virtuous men are rare today, but they do exist. I am confident that you too, will be among them if you listen to God’s direction and guidance. Despite what today’s culture may be telling you, it is never healthy for young boys to experiment with sex. This is not part of God’s design or plan.

God created us with the purpose of glorifying and enjoying him. He also created sexuality as a beautiful expression of love between a husband and his wife. When it occurs in its God ordained context, marriage, it is the most beautiful and wonderful thing in the world. When it is occurs outside of that context, it is damaging, even when we don’t realize it. Think of a guitar. It was made for making music. There are many varieties of music that it can play, but its purpose is to make music. Should I choose to use that guitar as a golf club, it is being used outside of its design. Yes, the ball may move, but not well. It will also damage the guitar. The reason is because it is being used outside of its original design.

Here are the things that I must share with you. Pay close attention to what I have to say and you will grow up to be a fine young man….

1. THE GOSPEL

Never forget the Gospel. I know that you have committed yourself to Christ. I have seen your heart and know you love Jesus. Still, it is always good to be reminded of the gospel in our lives. We were created by God perfect, designed to have fellowship with Him for eternity. The first man, Adam, and all who have followed him, spurned his love and fellowship, seeking our own desires which has brought misery and chaos into our lives. You and I too have broken God’s laws and spurned his fellowship and love. Because of this act of rebellion, God sent Christ to bear the full wrath of God due to us in our behalf. He lived a perfect life of righteousness. His righteousness has been credited to our account so that we not only have forgiveness for our sins, but are clothed in the righteousness of Christ. Though we have yet to obtain perfection in this life, he is transforming us daily in the image of His Son. We are restored sons of the sovereign Lord and look forward to eternity with Him…This is the gospel. During times of self doubt, sin, and temptation….remind yourself of the gospel.

Remember the episode of Charlie Brown’s Christmas, when Charlie Brown chose a poor looking tree and just loved on it? That is kind of what God did for us. We were a poor looking tree with our needles falling off. We were a sorry sight to behold, but because of the love that was shown that tree it was transformed into a beautiful tree. So too, His love transforms us into something beautiful.

2, MANHOOD AS DESIGNED BY GOD

God created us to work. He gave us meaningful work to do in the garden. So to you should work to provide for yourself and your family. He has created us not only to work, but to share our lives with another. He provided a suitable helper in his wife. He instructed the man and woman to be fruitful and multiply. This was his mandate. The means he chose for this was a sexual union. This is a wonderful, pleasurable, and beautiful thing when it occurs in accordance with God’s design. He intended us to raise a family and to teach our children His ways. He gave us instructions to follow. Being obedient to God’s instructions is not a way to earn His favor. He has already shown His love for us by giving us Christ and redeeming us. Following his instructions is a sign both of love for God, and wisdom. His instructions are always correct and will not lead you astray. We were created to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever!

3. THE VIRTUES OF MANHOOD

The first virtue of manhood is HUMILITY. Sometimes we are too proud to admit that we don’t know everything, that someone might have something to teach us, or that we need help. A true man is one who is humble enough to acknowledge his own limitations, listen to the wise counsel of others, and ask for assistance when he needs it. A humble man is one who accepts correction when he is off course. As your father, it is my responsibility to discipline you when you misbehave. Discipline is both providing a correction to wrong behavior AND an encouragement to right behavior. I want to encourage you to do the right things. The Bible speaks of humility.

“All of you clothe yourselves with humility towards one another, because, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” I Peter 5:5

“Humility and fear of the Lord bring wealth and honor, and life.” Proverbs 22:4

The second virtue is COURAGE.  Courage means choosing to do what is right despite opposition from others. It is the easy road to go along with the crowd in the way of the world. Do what is right, even when your friends want you to do what is wrong. Do what is right, even when your own desires tell you to do what is wrong. Sometimes the most difficult enemy to fight is yourself.

The third virtue is PURITY. To pursue purity means choosing to live by the highest moral standards in your speech, actions, and physical relations, despite your own desires to do otherwise. You may feel pressure from your friends to indulge your own desires. Your own hormonal urges will tell you to give in to them. In spite of all this, live by God’s standards. It may be difficult, but it can be done. An infant has the natural biological urge to pee, but he learns to control that urge and to put it in its proper context. So to must your own biological urges be controlled to their proper context. The scripture says that it is possible.

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.” Psalm 119:9

“Set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” I Timothy 4:12

The fourth virtue is FAITHFULNESS. It means to act in integrity, keep your word, and do what is right according to God’s word with determination and without complaining. You are trusting that God will give you the ability to complete all that he has asked you to do. Your character and integrity can not be taken from you, but you can give it away. Don’t be a man who can not be trusted. One of the most important things in any relationship is trust. If you lose trust you lose the relationship. Do not deal falsely with anyone, but let your word be your bond.

The fifth virtue is SELFLESSNESS. This means that you are to put the needs of others before your own needs and desires. As a father and husband I am called to be selfless in serving the needs of my family. I wish that I could say that I have been perfect in this area, but I too am a work in progress. If you want to be a virtuous man, look for ways that you can serve others. I have found that when I act selflessly towards others, that their appreciation more than compensates for what I thought I would have lost by putting my own self first. A leader of his family is one who serves his family. Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, giving of himself for her, even to the laying down of his own life.

Finally, a virtuous man is one who exercises SELF CONTROL. To pursue self control means to maintain full awareness in all your circumstances and exercise restraint despite your desire to do otherwise. When you are with a girl and your urges tell you to get sexual with her, you must exercise self control. The best way to exercise that self control is to avoid circumstances where giving in to those urges becomes easy. Once things start it is incredibly difficult to stop. The phrase “in for a penny, in for a pound” comes to mind. Once you have given in a little, it makes it so much harder to not go all the way in. Exercising self control at the beginning makes it easier to exercise self control later.

4. HOW TO TREAT WOMEN

Remember that both men and women are created in God’s image. That means that they both together are equal in value in the sight of God. They are equally similar, yet in their own unique ways have different roles to play in God’s plan. Though the roles may be different, neither role is more important than the other. They complement each other, filling the gaps. The ear is important. The eye is important. Neither is superior to the other. They have different roles, but when they work together they are more than the sum of their parts.

Popular culture may teach you to treat beautiful women as objects of desire and less attractive women as objects of scorn or indifference. This is not the equality that God has designed. Treat all women with courtesy. Be a gentleman always.

As you grow you will get stronger. You will have greater desire to carry out your own will and feel the strength and ability to carry it out. It is at this time that you must learn the art of self control. Remember to do the right thing at all times. Do not use your new found strength to either intimidate or manipulate women. Do not use your new found strength as a weapon, but put them at the service of others. It will bring joy to yourself, your family, and others. Pray continually for God to grant you self control. Remember what I have ALWAYS taught you from a young boy….”MEN WHO HIT WOMEN ARE WEAK!” Never ever, ever, ever, ever ,ever hit a woman. It does not matter what she has done that makes you think she deserves it. There are better ways to handle the situation than with violence.

Exercise self control in your thought life. It is very easy to fantasize about the girls we meet in a sexual way. We are wired that way. Tame your thought life. All sin starts with a thought. When you allow your thought life to pursue lust, you can be sure that your actions will soon follow. Remember that these girls are someone’s sister, daughter, and future wife.  It is difficult, but learn to look at women with respect. Ask for God’s Spirit to direct your thought life.

Speak respectfully with women. Do not allow your speech to devolve into sexual overtones, but rather let your speech be uplifting, respectful, and encouraging. By showing respect in your speech you will win their hearts. Treat women honorably.

In your daily interactions, do not allow yourself to be caught staring at their bodies, brushing up against them, or acting in any way inappropriate. You will have urges, but let those urges remain controlled. Never retaliate. Always be kind and civil. If a woman poses a temptation, it may be best to avoid her.

And again, remember to keep yourself pure. Just as you expect that a husband and wife will remain faithful to each other while they are married, show that same commitment to your future spouse. When you finally consummate your love with your future wife, you will be able to give yourself to her completely, body and soul. The Bible, not culture, is our guide to proper behavior.

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” I Cor 6:18-20

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heather, who do not know God.” I Thes 4:3-6

You have two brothers. One brother chose not to listen to the word of God. The other did. The one who chose to follow God’s directions chose better. The one who chose not to listen to God’s laws on this will never be truly alone with his wife. He will always be haunted, though he may deny it, with all the other girls he has been with when he is with his wife. Your other brother has been able to give himself to his bride fully and completely without reservation. Though God can forgive and restore what was lost, there are still worldly consequences.  

Hollywood and modern culture will tell you that casual sex is acceptable and natural, that is not God’s design. There are many that have bought into the lies. There are sexually aggressive women out there as well who are eager to be sexually used. Flee from such women.  There are dangers out there such as psychological scars, heartache, pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, depression, and emotional trauma all wrapped up in premarital sex. If you think that Hollywood has the right idea about sex, just look at the headlines on the tabloids when you pass through the checkout line at the grocery store. It is a mural of headlines testifying to the chaos and misery caused by their poor sexual ethics.

5 SEX

We have spent a lot of time talking about sex, but the truth is, the sex drive in males is extremely powerful. We need to be constantly reminded of God’s standards as well as keeping ourselves aware of our own potential.

There is a difference between having sex and making love. Making love is a sexual act, but the sexual act without the deep rooted affection that originates in the heart is shallow. It leaves one unfulfilled. Yes, it is a pleasurable experience, but it is a fleeting experience. Making love involves sex, but it runs deeper. There is a deep abiding love that exists apart from sex that is shared between the two people. There is a LIFELONG commitment that the two share.  The sexual act within marriage is an expression of the most intimate kind of the existing love and commitment that is already present. Some think that by having sex it will bring two people closer together. The truth is, that unless that lifelong commitment already exists, it merely serves to drive them apart. They may enjoy it for a moment or a while…but it is fleeting.

Consider this…what does it mean to be truly in love with a girl? Think about this seriously before moving on. Being in love means having a strong personal relationship. It means being with someone you can dream and laugh with. It means being with someone you can walk hand in hand with throughout life. Rarely if ever does sex come up until AFTER these other things are present. By engaging in sex you forfeit the opportunity to discover all of these wonderful things about the other person. You are so focused on the pleasurable results of sex that it takes over the relationship. Love is born from the heart, not the sex drive.

God wants you to have sex. He wants you to have sex in the context of marriage. Period. It is a way of expressing an existing love, of having children, and forming a permanent bond between two people. To stray from God’s plan is to tell God that you know better than He does…the one who designed the whole thing in the beginning. You can not trust your emotions in this. Your emotions will rise up and tempt you to cast aside God’s plan. Trust God. When pursued in God’s way it brings joy, encouragement, honesty, and faithfulness.

When it is carried out God’s way there is no fear of STD’s. There is no need for lying or deception. There is no chance of premarital pregnancy. There are no embittered girls who felt connected to you while you were sexual with them….but now broken up. There is only respect, honor, courage, honesty, humility, purity, and selflessness. No, it is not easy, but by honoring God in all things you will do well.

The truth is that the sex drive is extremely difficult to control. The best way to keep a fire from spreading is not to start one. Don’t light the fuse and the dynamite will not explode. When young people, who have no experience in sexual self control start to do anything remotely sexual, it naturally follows that one thing will ultimately lead to another. Therefore, don’t ask “How far can I go?” Ask yourself “How can I honor the girl that I am with?” Yes, you may kiss, but do not allow touching of breasts and genitals.

So then if sex is off the table, how do you develop a relationship with a girl? Some will tell you that you don’t buy a car until you take it out for a test drive. GIRLS ARE NOT CARS! She is someone’s daughter. She is a child of God. She is your sister in Christ created in His image. The idea of testing the waters is a selfish attitude. Don’t let that attitude be found in you.  The wedding vows are “for better of worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health from this day forward.”  Learn to get to know HER, not her body. Someday sex may not be available. What if she became ill or injured in such a way that you could not be sexual with her, would you still love her? How will you know? Find out what drives her. What is her personality type? Will she be a submissive wife or one who tries to control you? What are her values, hopes, dreams? What interests do you share? Learn about HER!

God promises rewards to those who remain pure in their bodies. Go for the best! Allow God to bless you in your future marriage by saving yourself for that moment.

If you do stumble and fail to live up to the ideals I am talking about, do not despair. God promises forgiveness for those who have sinned. He can heal your heart. Pick yourself up and recommit your life to God’s plan of purity. There is no sin except what is common to man. The day will come when you will choose a wife. The ideal is to give her your virginity and your heart…but above all…give her your heart!

6, SEXUAL STUMBLING BLOCKS

There are some common perversions of what God has designed for sex. I want to cover a few of them here.

Pornography has become acceptable in our culture, but it can do some serious damage. Pornography is any explicit representation of sex in literature, film, photographs or any other medium. It can be very addicting. I wish that I could say that I never saw it, but I did. I still bear the scars of my early years of exposure to pornography. The male brain is wired to remember sexual images. Every sex act that I viewed is permanently engraved in my brain. I wish that I never saw it. It is not harmless as they want you to believe. It does not depict sex as God has designed it. It stirs up lust. And it can hinder your ability to truly honor you wife as she should be. God has been healing me over time, but it is a long process. If I could change things in my past, my exposure to pornography is one of them. It is natural to be curious, but by allowing that into your mind you warp what God has meant for good into something he abhors.

Lust can happen to all of us. Sometimes when we meet or see a girl we can have lustful thoughts about her. This dishonors her and makes having a normal relationship difficult because your thoughts of her a preoccupied with sex. Learn to put to death lustful thoughts by thinking good thoughts. Thinking on what is good and noble leaves little room for thinking lustful thoughts.

We are called to be faithful to our spouse. The word adultery refers to having sexual relations between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse. The seventh commandment is “You shall not commit adultery.” The Bible is more than clear.

Homosexuality is in opposition to the word of God. I know that many people today want to accept it as normal. You may know some people who claim to be homosexuals. We need to remind ourselves that we too are sinners. Do not despise them or treat them badly, but love them with the love of Christ. Treat them with the dignity due to any human beings. Those who protest and say “God hates fags” do not know God. This is not to say that we accept their behavior. We still hold that homosexuality is wrong. But like all sin, God must deal with it. Treat them like you would any other sinner…with love and compassion.

7. ON SAFE SEX

OK…here is the truth. There is only one form of safe sex…marital monogamy. That is what God has designed. There are birth control methods out there that are designed for married couples.

There are two kinds of sexually transmitted diseases, bacterial and viral. Bacterial diseases can be treated, viral diseases can not. Some will tell you that if you wear a condom then you are safe. That is not entirely true. Condoms have about a 15% failure rate. You are still taking a chance that a disease or sperm can get through and cause problems.  There is no such thing as safe sex outside of God’s plan.

8. ON LOVE

There are lots of counterfeits out there. There is infatuation and there is lust. Do not mistake sexual attraction for love. Neither allow your emotions to lead you to believe that every relationship is true and lasting love. You will have many relationships. If the intensity of your emotions is a 10 on and a scale of 1-10 then you are in the danger zone. Teenage relationships rarely last. The high school sweethearts who end up getting married are rare. Don’t think that your relationship is somehow the exception to the rule. Learn what true love is. Listen to the Scriptures.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant   or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

This is what love is. When you are truly in love you are placing the wellbeing of the other person above yourself. You are not insisting on your own way. Love never will say “If you loved me you would….” Never use the concept of love to manipulate another. True love rejoices in the truth of God’s word and God’s way.

9. ON DATING

Remember that dating is an audition for a spouse. God has someone prepared for you and is preparing you for her. Although you will be unlikely to find your spouse while dating as a teen, use this time wisely. There is value in it.

Learn to ask the right questions. Get to know her. How does she get along with her father? Have you met her father? Do you respect her father? (YOU BETTER!). What are her likes? Will she be a submissive wife or a controlling wife? Does she make you happy? Is she a Christian? (SHE BETTER BE!) Does she share your values? What is it about her that you like? What do you not like? Is this something you can live with or would it need to change? Use this time to discover who you are and what you want in a spouse. It will prepare you for the day you finally meet the one God has been preparing for you.

One final word about online relationships. I have made many friends online. I would never date one. The same anonymity that allows you to open up and tell things to her that you would never tell anyone else also allows you and her to hold back information that is vital to the development of any relationship. You need to observe her in social settings. You need to read her nonverbal as well as verbal cues. How does she treat her friends, her family? What are her mannerisms? There are so many questions that can only be answered from regular face to face dating. Online relationships are a bad idea.

Finally, be safe online. Do not give out any personal information such as your name and address, where you go to school, etc. Not everyone is who they say they are. There stories abounding of people who have gone to meet their online romance to find that they are older or younger than they said, married, or even a different gender. There are cases where this has led to murders and rape. I want nothing more than for you to be safe. NEVER go to meet an online friend on your own. Only after he/she has been screened by your mother and I will it even be possible and then only while chaperoned by us. Again, this is for your safety. We would be devastated if anything ever happened to you. Make sure your mother and I know who you are chatting with. We say this not to snoop, but to make sure you are safe.

If you EVER have any questions about anything, come to me. There are no questions out of bounds. There are no questions that are too embarrassing. I will not embarrass you. I will give you a truthful answer. Your friends may not. I love you and I am here for you always.

What I Want My Daughter to Know About Love, Boys, Dating, and Sex

My Dearest Daughter,

It is hard to believe that you are going into middle school next year. It has been exciting watching you grow up from a little girl and starting your journey towards womanhood, though you will always be “Daddy’s Little Girl” in my eyes. It is because you are now starting to enter into a more grown up world that I want to have this conversation with you.

CONCERNING LOVE:

My daughter, words can not possibly express how much I love you. God prepared a place in my heart for you before you were even conceived. Truly, one of the happiest days of my life was the day I held you in my arms for the first time. You are so precious to me. Even though I may discipline you from time to time, make you upset or angry, or even disappoint you, never forget that there is absolutely nothing that you have ever done, are doing, can do, or will do that will ever make me stop loving you. You are my daughter, now and forever.

I want to tell you about love. You are about to experience a slew of emotions. Some will make you feel like you are on top of the world. Some will bring heartache and pain. Some will make you feel self assured. Some will bring confusion. It is natural for you to go through this roller coaster. It is a part of growing up and it will take time to process all of them. Sometimes we want to follow the leadings of our heart. Sometimes we want to follow the leadings of our head. Taking the path of one without the other can be a big mistake.

Following your heart without following your head is BLIND. Following the path of your heart without knowledge or thoughtfulness can lead you into dangerous situations where you can be hurt, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. God gave us intelligence to guide us and lead us into good decisions. Don’t ever allow the tugging of your heart lead you to abandon sound decisions.

Following your head without following your heart is DEAD. God wants us to not only do the right thing, but to do so passionately. Don’t fall victim to dead logic without compassion. There is a big difference between someone who gives to charity for the tax benefit and the one who gives out of a sense of compassion for human need. God gave you a big heart. Let him bless you through that heart.

When both your head and your heart are in complete agreement you will see how powerful that can be. You can go in self assured that you are making the right decision. Use good judgment and listen to the counsel of others. When your mother and I were dating, she fell in love with me, but she also trusted in the wisdom of her closest and most trusted friends and family. Believe me when I say that I was vetted. If her family and friends didn’t approve of me….well…let’s just say that we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

When it comes to love, there are counterfeits out there such as infatuation, lust, and manipulation. Learn to know what true love is and you will spot the counterfeits. The best way that I can describe love is from the words of Paul in I Corinthians 13…

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

When you experience true love, these are the things you will look for. I don’t expect that you will truly find it until you are a mature woman on your own, but now is the time to look for these traits. Anyone who says that they love you will be patient towards you, they will not be selfish or self centered. They will never ask you to do anything that is morally wrong. They will be someone of good character. Nobody who truly loves you will try to manipulate you into giving in to their desires. If any boy ever says to you in any way “If you love me you would….,” then run the other way. He is demonstrating that he only cares for himself and has little or no regard for you, no matter what else may come out of his mouth. The greatest example of love is Christ Jesus, who gave his own life for our salvation, though we were still sinners and enemies of God. He who was perfect and sinless, became sin for us, so that we might have eternal life. Love is self-sacrificing…never self aggrandizing.

Finally, on love…never forget that your mother and I love you with all of our hearts. You never need to look beyond the four wall of this home to find love and affirmation.

ON BOYS

On this subject, I know quite a bit, having been one. Some think that teenage boys are nothing but sex monsters looking to get it any way they can whenever they can. There is an element of truth to that….but it is not entirely true. Just as your body is changing and you are experiencing new feelings and emotions, so are they. Just as you are learning how to control them, so are they. There are lots of good Christian boys who love Jesus, want to do the right thing, and have made a commitment to purity.

The struggle to maintain purity is a difficult one for boys. There is a lot of mixed messages that come from our culture. The media tells us that sexual experimentation is to be expected, even in the teen years. Our peers tell us that to be accepted that we must “score” with a girl. The television shows and movies assume that teen dating couples will have sex and that it is just a normal part of growing up. With these messages bombarding us 24 hours a day 7 days a week, it is no wonder that boys will feel the peer pressure to be sexual. When those cultural pressures come in contact with the raging hormones which drive sexual desire in boys, it becomes a struggle to maintain purity.

There are different kinds of boys. Some boys want to honor God and have successfully abstained from sexual activity. Some boys will have embraced sexual activity as a normal part of growing up and will expect it in a relationship. Some boys will have succumbed to both cultural and hormonal pressures and will have lost their virginity, yet still recommit to sexual purity.

Do not have anything to do with boys who are sexually active. They do not respect God’s desire for purity. While virginity is the ideal situation, do not despise those who have tried, failed, and recommitted to purity. Do not let virginity become an idol. (This does NOT mean that I am giving you permission to lose YOURS before you are married). What you want more than anything from him is his heart. If he respects you and your purity, loves Jesus, and respects us as your parents, then do not cast him aside because he made a mistake (as long as he recognizes that it WAS a mistake). God’s grace covers a multitude of sins. Just as His grace has covered your past sins, so it too covers his past sins.

Finally, remember that just as you may be nervous about being asked out, or even about hoping to be asked out, that the young man is also quite nervous. He has no idea whether you will say yes or how you react. Be courteous. If you like a boy (the kind mom and dad would approve), don’t be afraid to encourage him. Mom can talk to you about nonverbal cues girls use to attract a boys attention. He doesn’t want to feel the embarrassment or heartache of rejection. He will be more likely to ask you out if he thinks the answer will be yes. At the same time, if a boy asks you out and you are not interested in him, tell him so. Be nice about it, but don’t leave him hanging or guessing because you are trying to spare he feelings. Make sure he knows you are not interested, but don’t make him feel embarrassed.

ON DATING

God has entrusted you to my care. I have been called to be your provider, protector, and teacher. I have been called to love you with all my heart as your father. Someday I will pass that responsibility off to a man of your choosing. Choose well and choose wisely.

Remember that dating is an audition for a potential husband. God has been preparing you for a very special man. God has been preparing him for you. This man is the ONLY one that you should give yourself to completely. At your very young age, it is very unlikely that you are going to meet your husband as teenage sweethearts. This is not to say that dating as a teen serves no purpose. There is a lot you can learn from dating as a teenager. Just make sure that you go into your dating relationships with eyes wide open and not fall into the illusion or fantasy that this young man is your eternal destiny. Do not get TOO overemotionally involved. You may genuinely care for him, even love him in a healthy way, without making him the center of your universe. If the intensity of your feelings for him is a 10 on a scale of 1-10 then you better slow down. Remember what I said earlier about the heart and the head.

Things that you should be learning while dating as a teen is how to relate to a boy. Learn what things you like and what things you don’t like. Learn what you find attractive and what is not attractive. Learn how to read him. Do his actions back up his words or does he say one thing with his mouth and do another in his activity? Does he respect you? Does he respect your parents? What are his values? Does he love Jesus? Is his Christian walk genuine? How does he behave around his peers? How does he talk about you? How does he talk about his parents? How does he treat his mother? How does he treat his sister? What are his strengths? What are his weaknesses? Is this a man you can respect? Is this a man you could submit to? What kind of father would he make? Is he compassionate towards others? Is he transparent in his feelings? Does he keep secrets? Can you trust him? These are just some of the questions that you need to ask. These are things you need to know. These are things you need to learn to look for. You can only learn these things from the human interaction that we call dating.

As we have discussed, any boy that you go out with must meet with your mother and I before any first date. We want to meet this young man. We want to know about him, what he values. Most importantly, we want to make sure that he respects our values and will respect you. Trust your mother and I on this.

You want to choose a boy of good character. Physical attractiveness is certainly an attention getter, but it can not sustain a long term relationship. Things happen in life that can cause someone to lose those physical qualities that we found so enticing. People can get ill, suffer injury, lose their hair, gain weight, and any number of things. When your commitment is based upon who the person is rather than what he looks like, you will have a more lasting relationship.

Here are the qualities that you should look for in a boy. He should be a Christian. That is a biblical teaching and can not be compromised. The Bible teaches us not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. He must love Jesus more than he loves you. He should be a person with a high moral compass. This does not mean perfection. We all fall short of God’s standards of holiness. But, he should be someone with high moral standards and a sincere desire to live up to them. He should be compassionate towards others. He should be courageous enough to stand up to peer pressure and do the right thing. He should be a good provider (potential in your case). He should be someone who respects you, loves you, and honors you. He should treasure you. He should have an active Christian walk. He should have a good work ethic. And your mother would be upset with me if I forgot to mention…he should be able to fix things (lol).

I want to say a word about online relationships while we are talking about this. I know how easy it is to make personal connections with people you meet online, whether it is a game, or web forum, or chat room. I have made several good friends myself this way. However, this is NOT a good way to meet a boyfriend. Remember that dating is an audition for future husband. While you can connect with others in a real and meaningful way online, it is incomplete. The medium of text messages, chat rooms, email, and even phone calls, still leave so many gaps in your knowledge of the other person. While the semi-anonymity of the chat leaves a great opportunity to open up about yourself and connect with someone, it also allows someone to hide a lot of other information about themselves. What you present of yourself to the other person is only what you want them to see about you. What you see of them is only what they want you to know. The things you need to know about a person while dating can only be obtained from actually spending real quality time together in person on a frequent basis.

I have read several sad tales of internet romances that turned sour or backfired. One woman went to meet her online boyfriend in real life and found out that he was married with a family. Girls pretend to be boys, boys pretend to be girls. Girls have been found dead because they went to meet their online boyfriend only to find that he was an older man who wanted to sexually exploit young girls. No matter what someone says online, you really don’t know who they really are. So DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ONLINE PERSONALITY! You can be friendly with them, but don’t fall in love. In fact, to be safe, make sure that your mother and I know who you are chatting with online. We say this not to snoop, but to make sure that you are safe.

Speaking of safety, when online, follow these rules…

1. Never give out personal information such as your full name, where you live, where you go to school, etc.

2. Make sure that your mother and I know who you are chatting with. We want to know all your friends, including your online friends. We want to know this only to make sure that you are safe.

3. NEVER go to meet an online friend on your own. The ONLY people who should be going with you to meet an online friend is your mother and myself and only after we have  screened this person to make sure that it is being done in a safe manner. Some would say that it is a bad idea to EVER meet someone you met online. The only thing that I am concerned with is your safety. If ever anything ever happened to you I would die.

ON SEX

Sex is designed by God to be a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman who have committed themselves to each other for life through marriage. That is God’s design and that is our expectation of you. We want you to treat your virginity as a precious jewel to be given only to the one you choose as your husband. If he truly loves you then he will truly wait.

Remember that when you are dating that you should be conscious of the struggles both you and your boyfriend will have in maintaining your purity. The best way to resist temptation is to not give it an opportunity. Do not put yourself in situations where it will be difficult to pull away when in the throws of passion. Don’t go off alone into private places. Stay in public or semi-public places. Yes, you may kiss your boyfriend. No, do not touch sexually arousing places on each other’s bodies. Sometimes, once things get started it becomes difficult to stop the momentum. Next thing you know, you have done something that you regret. Be aware that he struggles too, so be sensitive to that when you are together.

Do not dress provocatively. You may be wishing to attract the attention of a certain boy by dressing that way, but also remember that other males will be looking at you in the same way. You may want to catch the eye of the QB of the football team. You also may catch the eye of the school janitor who is 55, bald, overweight, and missing 3 teeth. Did I gross you out? Good, because that is the truth. Men are visually stimulated. Many men will fantasize when they see a sexually stimulating image. If you are not making your body available (and you are NOT), then don’t advertise it.

Some ask “How far can I go without going too far?” If you are asking that question, then your heart may not be in the right place. Your question should be “how can I honor the person that I am with?”  The “how far” question is a question that reveals a selfish attitude in yourself or the other person. What you are seeking is not a God honoring relationship, but rather a pleasure experience for yourself. Some have even tried to say that as long as you don’t have sexual intercourse then you are still a virgin, that only intercourse is sex. That is not true. To truly honor yourself, God, and the other person, is to avoid direct sexual stimulation of any kind. A kiss is one thing, but touching of breasts or genitals in any way is not God honoring and will ultimately lead to other things. Honor yourself. Honor God, Honor the boy you are with (even if he will not honor himself).

Finally, you will most likely hear many things about sex from your friends at school, on television, online, and other places. If you have any questions about what you see, hear, or read about, please come to your mother or me. We will answer them honestly, in a God honoring way, without embarrassing you or judging you. Some things you may hear talked about are not God honoring expressions of sexual love. Some may be wrong because they are spoken of in the wrong context, but may be very right in a loving marriage. We are here for you, always.