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My Dear Son,
One of the great joys of being a father is watching his boy
grow into a man. It is a journey that all of us have taken and every boy must
take. I must say that watching you grow up has been a joy and I could not be
prouder. I look at your character and love for Christ and am thankful that God
has blessed me with such a great son. I cherish our times together, especially
when we go to cheer on our beloved Rays…win or lose…side by side!
It is about becoming a man that I want to speak with you
today. It is a talk that fathers have with their sons. My grandfather had it
with my dad…and my dad had it with me. I
am sure that they have discussed with you in school the biological functions of
maturing for both men and women. You have learned about changes that are occurring
in your own body and in the bodies of girls. You have learned how sexual
activity can create babies, and I am sure they have talked about birth control.
If you have any questions about these subjects do not feel embarrassed to ask
me. I am here for you. What I am here to talk with you about today is what they
did NOT teach you in school…what it means to become a man and how to make good
decisions regarding the changes you are going through. Some of the things you
may have heard from your friends are not true. Some of the things you may have
heard from your teachers may not be in accordance with our values as
Christians. As you travel this road to manhood, look to me, your father, as one
who has travelled this road before you as your trusted guide.
Christ spoke of the world as a wheat field. The good farmer
sowed wheat and his enemy sowed weeds. The two crops grew up side by side. This
is a great illustration of the world that we live in. There are many messages
from this culture about values, sex, morality, and how to conduct ourselves
that come from the weeds. It is often difficult to discern what is what. That
is why we have the Bible as our guide on how to make good decisions. When you
are faced with decisions to make in this area, consult the scriptures. Do not listen
to the messages of television, movies, magazines, and even your friends. Look
to God for truth and you will not be led astray.
God is central to the maturing process. Virtuous men are
rare today, but they do exist. I am confident that you too, will be among them
if you listen to God’s direction and guidance. Despite what today’s culture may
be telling you, it is never healthy for young boys to experiment with sex. This
is not part of God’s design or plan.
God created us with the purpose of glorifying and enjoying
him. He also created sexuality as a beautiful expression of love between a
husband and his wife. When it occurs in its God ordained context, marriage, it
is the most beautiful and wonderful thing in the world. When it is occurs
outside of that context, it is damaging, even when we don’t realize it. Think
of a guitar. It was made for making music. There are many varieties of music
that it can play, but its purpose is to make music. Should I choose to use that
guitar as a golf club, it is being used outside of its design. Yes, the ball
may move, but not well. It will also damage the guitar. The reason is because
it is being used outside of its original design.
Here are the things that I must share with you. Pay close
attention to what I have to say and you will grow up to be a fine young man….
1. THE GOSPEL
Never forget the Gospel. I know that you have committed
yourself to Christ. I have seen your heart and know you love Jesus. Still, it
is always good to be reminded of the gospel in our lives. We were created by
God perfect, designed to have fellowship with Him for eternity. The first man,
Adam, and all who have followed him, spurned his love and fellowship, seeking
our own desires which has brought misery and chaos into our lives. You and I
too have broken God’s laws and spurned his fellowship and love. Because of this
act of rebellion, God sent Christ to bear the full wrath of God due to us in
our behalf. He lived a perfect life of righteousness. His righteousness has
been credited to our account so that we not only have forgiveness for our sins,
but are clothed in the righteousness of Christ. Though we have yet to obtain
perfection in this life, he is transforming us daily in the image of His Son.
We are restored sons of the sovereign Lord and look forward to eternity with
Him…This is the gospel. During times of self doubt, sin, and temptation….remind
yourself of the gospel.
Remember the episode of Charlie Brown’s Christmas, when
Charlie Brown chose a poor looking tree and just loved on it? That is kind of
what God did for us. We were a poor looking tree with our needles falling off.
We were a sorry sight to behold, but because of the love that was shown that
tree it was transformed into a beautiful tree. So too, His love transforms us
into something beautiful.
2, MANHOOD AS DESIGNED BY GOD
God created us to work. He gave us meaningful work to do in
the garden. So to you should work to provide for yourself and your family. He
has created us not only to work, but to share our lives with another. He
provided a suitable helper in his wife. He instructed the man and woman to be
fruitful and multiply. This was his mandate. The means he chose for this was a
sexual union. This is a wonderful, pleasurable, and beautiful thing when it occurs
in accordance with God’s design. He intended us to raise a family and to teach
our children His ways. He gave us instructions to follow. Being obedient to God’s
instructions is not a way to earn His favor. He has already shown His love for
us by giving us Christ and redeeming us. Following his instructions is a sign
both of love for God, and wisdom. His instructions are always correct and will
not lead you astray. We were created to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever!
3. THE VIRTUES OF MANHOOD
The first virtue of manhood is HUMILITY. Sometimes we are
too proud to admit that we don’t know everything, that someone might have
something to teach us, or that we need help. A true man is one who is humble
enough to acknowledge his own limitations, listen to the wise counsel of
others, and ask for assistance when he needs it. A humble man is one who
accepts correction when he is off course. As your father, it is my
responsibility to discipline you when you misbehave. Discipline is both
providing a correction to wrong behavior AND an encouragement to right
behavior. I want to encourage you to do the right things. The Bible speaks of
humility.
“All of you clothe
yourselves with humility towards one another, because, God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.” I Peter 5:5
“Humility and fear of
the Lord bring wealth and honor, and life.” Proverbs 22:4
The second virtue is COURAGE. Courage means choosing to do what is right
despite opposition from others. It is the easy road to go along with the crowd
in the way of the world. Do what is right, even when your friends want you to
do what is wrong. Do what is right, even when your own desires tell you to do
what is wrong. Sometimes the most difficult enemy to fight is yourself.
The third virtue is PURITY. To pursue purity means choosing
to live by the highest moral standards in your speech, actions, and physical
relations, despite your own desires to do otherwise. You may feel pressure from
your friends to indulge your own desires. Your own hormonal urges will tell you
to give in to them. In spite of all this, live by God’s standards. It may be
difficult, but it can be done. An infant has the natural biological urge to
pee, but he learns to control that urge and to put it in its proper context. So
to must your own biological urges be controlled to their proper context. The
scripture says that it is possible.
“How can a young man
keep his way pure? By living according to your word.” Psalm 119:9
“Set an example for
the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” I Timothy
4:12
The fourth virtue is FAITHFULNESS. It means to act in
integrity, keep your word, and do what is right according to God’s word with
determination and without complaining. You are trusting that God will give you
the ability to complete all that he has asked you to do. Your character and
integrity can not be taken from you, but you can give it away. Don’t be a man
who can not be trusted. One of the most important things in any relationship is
trust. If you lose trust you lose the relationship. Do not deal falsely with
anyone, but let your word be your bond.
The fifth virtue is SELFLESSNESS. This means that you are to
put the needs of others before your own needs and desires. As a father and
husband I am called to be selfless in serving the needs of my family. I wish
that I could say that I have been perfect in this area, but I too am a work in
progress. If you want to be a virtuous man, look for ways that you can serve
others. I have found that when I act selflessly towards others, that their
appreciation more than compensates for what I thought I would have lost by
putting my own self first. A leader of his family is one who serves his family.
Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, giving of
himself for her, even to the laying down of his own life.
Finally, a virtuous man is one who exercises SELF CONTROL.
To pursue self control means to maintain full awareness in all your
circumstances and exercise restraint despite your desire to do otherwise. When
you are with a girl and your urges tell you to get sexual with her, you must
exercise self control. The best way to exercise that self control is to avoid
circumstances where giving in to those urges becomes easy. Once things start it
is incredibly difficult to stop. The phrase “in for a penny, in for a pound”
comes to mind. Once you have given in a little, it makes it so much harder to
not go all the way in. Exercising self control at the beginning makes it easier
to exercise self control later.
4. HOW TO TREAT WOMEN
Remember that both men and women are created in God’s image.
That means that they both together are equal in value in the sight of God. They
are equally similar, yet in their own unique ways have different roles to play
in God’s plan. Though the roles may be different, neither role is more
important than the other. They complement each other, filling the gaps. The ear
is important. The eye is important. Neither is superior to the other. They have
different roles, but when they work together they are more than the sum of
their parts.
Popular culture may teach you to treat beautiful women as
objects of desire and less attractive women as objects of scorn or
indifference. This is not the equality that God has designed. Treat all women
with courtesy. Be a gentleman always.
As you grow you will get stronger. You will have greater
desire to carry out your own will and feel the strength and ability to carry it
out. It is at this time that you must learn the art of self control. Remember
to do the right thing at all times. Do not use your new found strength to
either intimidate or manipulate women. Do not use your new found strength as a weapon,
but put them at the service of others. It will bring joy to yourself, your
family, and others. Pray continually for God to grant you self control. Remember
what I have ALWAYS taught you from a young boy….”MEN WHO HIT WOMEN ARE WEAK!”
Never ever, ever, ever, ever ,ever hit a woman. It does not matter what she has
done that makes you think she deserves it. There are better ways to handle the
situation than with violence.
Exercise self control in your thought life. It is very easy
to fantasize about the girls we meet in a sexual way. We are wired that way.
Tame your thought life. All sin starts with a thought. When you allow your
thought life to pursue lust, you can be sure that your actions will soon
follow. Remember that these girls are someone’s sister, daughter, and future
wife. It is difficult, but learn to look
at women with respect. Ask for God’s Spirit to direct your thought life.
Speak respectfully with women. Do not allow your speech to
devolve into sexual overtones, but rather let your speech be uplifting,
respectful, and encouraging. By showing respect in your speech you will win
their hearts. Treat women honorably.
In your daily interactions, do not allow yourself to be
caught staring at their bodies, brushing up against them, or acting in any way
inappropriate. You will have urges, but let those urges remain controlled.
Never retaliate. Always be kind and civil. If a woman poses a temptation, it
may be best to avoid her.
And again, remember to keep yourself pure. Just as you
expect that a husband and wife will remain faithful to each other while they
are married, show that same commitment to your future spouse. When you finally consummate
your love with your future wife, you will be able to give yourself to her
completely, body and soul. The Bible, not culture, is our guide to proper
behavior.
“Flee from sexual
immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins
sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple
of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not
your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” I
Cor 6:18-20
“It is God’s will that
you should be sanctified; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of
you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,
not in passionate lust like the heather, who do not know God.” I Thes 4:3-6
You have two brothers. One brother chose not to listen to
the word of God. The other did. The one who chose to follow God’s directions
chose better. The one who chose not to listen to God’s laws on this will never
be truly alone with his wife. He will always be haunted, though he may deny it,
with all the other girls he has been with when he is with his wife. Your other
brother has been able to give himself to his bride fully and completely without
reservation. Though God can forgive and restore what was lost, there are still
worldly consequences.
5 SEX
We have spent a lot of time talking about sex, but the truth
is, the sex drive in males is extremely powerful. We need to be constantly
reminded of God’s standards as well as keeping ourselves aware of our own
potential.
There is a difference between having sex and making love.
Making love is a sexual act, but the sexual act without the deep rooted
affection that originates in the heart is shallow. It leaves one unfulfilled.
Yes, it is a pleasurable experience, but it is a fleeting experience. Making
love involves sex, but it runs deeper. There is a deep abiding love that exists
apart from sex that is shared between the two people. There is a LIFELONG
commitment that the two share. The
sexual act within marriage is an expression of the most intimate kind of the
existing love and commitment that is already present. Some think that by having
sex it will bring two people closer together. The truth is, that unless that
lifelong commitment already exists, it merely serves to drive them apart. They
may enjoy it for a moment or a while…but it is fleeting.
Consider this…what does it mean to be truly in love with a
girl? Think about this seriously before moving on. Being in love means having a
strong personal relationship. It means being with someone you can dream and
laugh with. It means being with someone you can walk hand in hand with throughout
life. Rarely if ever does sex come up until AFTER these other things are
present. By engaging in sex you forfeit the opportunity to discover all of
these wonderful things about the other person. You are so focused on the
pleasurable results of sex that it takes over the relationship. Love is born
from the heart, not the sex drive.
God wants you to have sex. He wants you to have sex in the
context of marriage. Period. It is a way of expressing an existing love, of
having children, and forming a permanent bond between two people. To stray from
God’s plan is to tell God that you know better than He does…the one who
designed the whole thing in the beginning. You can not trust your emotions in
this. Your emotions will rise up and tempt you to cast aside God’s plan. Trust
God. When pursued in God’s way it brings joy, encouragement, honesty, and faithfulness.
When it is carried out God’s way there is no fear of STD’s.
There is no need for lying or deception. There is no chance of premarital
pregnancy. There are no embittered girls who felt connected to you while you
were sexual with them….but now broken up. There is only respect, honor,
courage, honesty, humility, purity, and selflessness. No, it is not easy, but
by honoring God in all things you will do well.
The truth is that the sex drive is extremely difficult to
control. The best way to keep a fire from spreading is not to start one. Don’t
light the fuse and the dynamite will not explode. When young people, who have
no experience in sexual self control start to do anything remotely sexual, it
naturally follows that one thing will ultimately lead to another. Therefore,
don’t ask “How far can I go?” Ask yourself “How can I honor the girl that I am
with?” Yes, you may kiss, but do not allow touching of breasts and genitals.
So then if sex is off the table, how do you develop a
relationship with a girl? Some will tell you that you don’t buy a car until you
take it out for a test drive. GIRLS ARE NOT CARS! She is someone’s daughter.
She is a child of God. She is your sister in Christ created in His image. The
idea of testing the waters is a selfish attitude. Don’t let that attitude be
found in you. The wedding vows are “for
better of worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health from this day forward.” Learn to get to know HER, not her body.
Someday sex may not be available. What if she became ill or injured in such a
way that you could not be sexual with her, would you still love her? How will
you know? Find out what drives her. What is her personality type? Will she be a
submissive wife or one who tries to control you? What are her values, hopes,
dreams? What interests do you share? Learn about HER!
God promises rewards to those who remain pure in their
bodies. Go for the best! Allow God to bless you in your future marriage by
saving yourself for that moment.
If you do stumble and fail to live up to the ideals I am
talking about, do not despair. God promises forgiveness for those who have
sinned. He can heal your heart. Pick yourself up and recommit your life to God’s
plan of purity. There is no sin except what is common to man. The day will come
when you will choose a wife. The ideal is to give her your virginity and your
heart…but above all…give her your heart!
6, SEXUAL STUMBLING BLOCKS
There are some common perversions of what God has designed
for sex. I want to cover a few of them here.
Pornography has become acceptable in our culture, but it can
do some serious damage. Pornography is any explicit representation of sex in
literature, film, photographs or any other medium. It can be very addicting. I
wish that I could say that I never saw it, but I did. I still bear the scars of
my early years of exposure to pornography. The male brain is wired to remember
sexual images. Every sex act that I viewed is permanently engraved in my brain.
I wish that I never saw it. It is not harmless as they want you to believe. It
does not depict sex as God has designed it. It stirs up lust. And it can hinder
your ability to truly honor you wife as she should be. God has been healing me
over time, but it is a long process. If I could change things in my past, my
exposure to pornography is one of them. It is natural to be curious, but by
allowing that into your mind you warp what God has meant for good into
something he abhors.
Lust can happen to all of us. Sometimes when we meet or see
a girl we can have lustful thoughts about her. This dishonors her and makes
having a normal relationship difficult because your thoughts of her a
preoccupied with sex. Learn to put to death lustful thoughts by thinking good
thoughts. Thinking on what is good and noble leaves little room for thinking
lustful thoughts.
We are called to be faithful to our spouse. The word
adultery refers to having sexual relations between a married person and someone
other than his or her spouse. The seventh commandment is “You shall not commit
adultery.” The Bible is more than clear.
Homosexuality is in opposition to the word of God. I know
that many people today want to accept it as normal. You may know some people
who claim to be homosexuals. We need to remind ourselves that we too are
sinners. Do not despise them or treat them badly, but love them with the love
of Christ. Treat them with the dignity due to any human beings. Those who
protest and say “God hates fags” do not know God. This is not to say that we
accept their behavior. We still hold that homosexuality is wrong. But like all
sin, God must deal with it. Treat them like you would any other sinner…with
love and compassion.
7. ON SAFE SEX
OK…here is the truth. There is only one form of safe sex…marital
monogamy. That is what God has designed. There are birth control methods out
there that are designed for married couples.
There are two kinds of sexually transmitted diseases,
bacterial and viral. Bacterial diseases can be treated, viral diseases can not.
Some will tell you that if you wear a condom then you are safe. That is not
entirely true. Condoms have about a 15% failure rate. You are still taking a
chance that a disease or sperm can get through and cause problems. There is no such thing as safe sex outside of
God’s plan.
8. ON LOVE
There are lots of counterfeits out there. There is
infatuation and there is lust. Do not mistake sexual attraction for love.
Neither allow your emotions to lead you to believe that every relationship is
true and lasting love. You will have many relationships. If the intensity of
your emotions is a 10 on and a scale of 1-10 then you are in the danger zone.
Teenage relationships rarely last. The high school sweethearts who end up
getting married are rare. Don’t think that your relationship is somehow the
exception to the rule. Learn what true love is. Listen to the Scriptures.
Love is patient and kind; love does not
envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not
insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice
at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
This is what love is. When you are truly in love you are
placing the wellbeing of the other person above yourself. You are not insisting
on your own way. Love never will say “If you loved me you would….” Never use
the concept of love to manipulate another. True love rejoices in the truth of
God’s word and God’s way.
9. ON DATING
Remember that dating is an audition for a spouse. God has
someone prepared for you and is preparing you for her. Although you will be
unlikely to find your spouse while dating as a teen, use this time wisely.
There is value in it.
Learn to ask the right questions. Get to know her. How does
she get along with her father? Have you met her father? Do you respect her
father? (YOU BETTER!). What are her likes? Will she be a submissive wife or a
controlling wife? Does she make you happy? Is she a Christian? (SHE BETTER BE!)
Does she share your values? What is it about her that you like? What do you not
like? Is this something you can live with or would it need to change? Use this
time to discover who you are and what you want in a spouse. It will prepare you
for the day you finally meet the one God has been preparing for you.
One final word about online relationships. I have made many friends
online. I would never date one. The same anonymity that allows you to open up
and tell things to her that you would never tell anyone else also allows you
and her to hold back information that is vital to the development of any
relationship. You need to observe her in social settings. You need to read her
nonverbal as well as verbal cues. How does she treat her friends, her family? What
are her mannerisms? There are so many questions that can only be answered from
regular face to face dating. Online relationships are a bad idea.
Finally, be safe online. Do not give out any personal
information such as your name and address, where you go to school, etc. Not
everyone is who they say they are. There stories abounding of people who have
gone to meet their online romance to find that they are older or younger than
they said, married, or even a different gender. There are cases where this has
led to murders and rape. I want nothing more than for you to be safe. NEVER go
to meet an online friend on your own. Only after he/she has been screened by
your mother and I will it even be possible and then only while chaperoned by
us. Again, this is for your safety. We would be devastated if anything ever
happened to you. Make sure your mother and I know who you are chatting with. We
say this not to snoop, but to make sure you are safe.
If you EVER have any questions about anything, come to me.
There are no questions out of bounds. There are no questions that are too embarrassing.
I will not embarrass you. I will give you a truthful answer. Your friends may
not. I love you and I am here for you always.
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