What I Want My Daughter to Know About Love, Boys, Dating, and Sex

My Dearest Daughter,

It is hard to believe that you are going into middle school next year. It has been exciting watching you grow up from a little girl and starting your journey towards womanhood, though you will always be “Daddy’s Little Girl” in my eyes. It is because you are now starting to enter into a more grown up world that I want to have this conversation with you.

CONCERNING LOVE:

My daughter, words can not possibly express how much I love you. God prepared a place in my heart for you before you were even conceived. Truly, one of the happiest days of my life was the day I held you in my arms for the first time. You are so precious to me. Even though I may discipline you from time to time, make you upset or angry, or even disappoint you, never forget that there is absolutely nothing that you have ever done, are doing, can do, or will do that will ever make me stop loving you. You are my daughter, now and forever.

I want to tell you about love. You are about to experience a slew of emotions. Some will make you feel like you are on top of the world. Some will bring heartache and pain. Some will make you feel self assured. Some will bring confusion. It is natural for you to go through this roller coaster. It is a part of growing up and it will take time to process all of them. Sometimes we want to follow the leadings of our heart. Sometimes we want to follow the leadings of our head. Taking the path of one without the other can be a big mistake.

Following your heart without following your head is BLIND. Following the path of your heart without knowledge or thoughtfulness can lead you into dangerous situations where you can be hurt, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. God gave us intelligence to guide us and lead us into good decisions. Don’t ever allow the tugging of your heart lead you to abandon sound decisions.

Following your head without following your heart is DEAD. God wants us to not only do the right thing, but to do so passionately. Don’t fall victim to dead logic without compassion. There is a big difference between someone who gives to charity for the tax benefit and the one who gives out of a sense of compassion for human need. God gave you a big heart. Let him bless you through that heart.

When both your head and your heart are in complete agreement you will see how powerful that can be. You can go in self assured that you are making the right decision. Use good judgment and listen to the counsel of others. When your mother and I were dating, she fell in love with me, but she also trusted in the wisdom of her closest and most trusted friends and family. Believe me when I say that I was vetted. If her family and friends didn’t approve of me….well…let’s just say that we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

When it comes to love, there are counterfeits out there such as infatuation, lust, and manipulation. Learn to know what true love is and you will spot the counterfeits. The best way that I can describe love is from the words of Paul in I Corinthians 13…

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

When you experience true love, these are the things you will look for. I don’t expect that you will truly find it until you are a mature woman on your own, but now is the time to look for these traits. Anyone who says that they love you will be patient towards you, they will not be selfish or self centered. They will never ask you to do anything that is morally wrong. They will be someone of good character. Nobody who truly loves you will try to manipulate you into giving in to their desires. If any boy ever says to you in any way “If you love me you would….,” then run the other way. He is demonstrating that he only cares for himself and has little or no regard for you, no matter what else may come out of his mouth. The greatest example of love is Christ Jesus, who gave his own life for our salvation, though we were still sinners and enemies of God. He who was perfect and sinless, became sin for us, so that we might have eternal life. Love is self-sacrificing…never self aggrandizing.

Finally, on love…never forget that your mother and I love you with all of our hearts. You never need to look beyond the four wall of this home to find love and affirmation.

ON BOYS

On this subject, I know quite a bit, having been one. Some think that teenage boys are nothing but sex monsters looking to get it any way they can whenever they can. There is an element of truth to that….but it is not entirely true. Just as your body is changing and you are experiencing new feelings and emotions, so are they. Just as you are learning how to control them, so are they. There are lots of good Christian boys who love Jesus, want to do the right thing, and have made a commitment to purity.

The struggle to maintain purity is a difficult one for boys. There is a lot of mixed messages that come from our culture. The media tells us that sexual experimentation is to be expected, even in the teen years. Our peers tell us that to be accepted that we must “score” with a girl. The television shows and movies assume that teen dating couples will have sex and that it is just a normal part of growing up. With these messages bombarding us 24 hours a day 7 days a week, it is no wonder that boys will feel the peer pressure to be sexual. When those cultural pressures come in contact with the raging hormones which drive sexual desire in boys, it becomes a struggle to maintain purity.

There are different kinds of boys. Some boys want to honor God and have successfully abstained from sexual activity. Some boys will have embraced sexual activity as a normal part of growing up and will expect it in a relationship. Some boys will have succumbed to both cultural and hormonal pressures and will have lost their virginity, yet still recommit to sexual purity.

Do not have anything to do with boys who are sexually active. They do not respect God’s desire for purity. While virginity is the ideal situation, do not despise those who have tried, failed, and recommitted to purity. Do not let virginity become an idol. (This does NOT mean that I am giving you permission to lose YOURS before you are married). What you want more than anything from him is his heart. If he respects you and your purity, loves Jesus, and respects us as your parents, then do not cast him aside because he made a mistake (as long as he recognizes that it WAS a mistake). God’s grace covers a multitude of sins. Just as His grace has covered your past sins, so it too covers his past sins.

Finally, remember that just as you may be nervous about being asked out, or even about hoping to be asked out, that the young man is also quite nervous. He has no idea whether you will say yes or how you react. Be courteous. If you like a boy (the kind mom and dad would approve), don’t be afraid to encourage him. Mom can talk to you about nonverbal cues girls use to attract a boys attention. He doesn’t want to feel the embarrassment or heartache of rejection. He will be more likely to ask you out if he thinks the answer will be yes. At the same time, if a boy asks you out and you are not interested in him, tell him so. Be nice about it, but don’t leave him hanging or guessing because you are trying to spare he feelings. Make sure he knows you are not interested, but don’t make him feel embarrassed.

ON DATING

God has entrusted you to my care. I have been called to be your provider, protector, and teacher. I have been called to love you with all my heart as your father. Someday I will pass that responsibility off to a man of your choosing. Choose well and choose wisely.

Remember that dating is an audition for a potential husband. God has been preparing you for a very special man. God has been preparing him for you. This man is the ONLY one that you should give yourself to completely. At your very young age, it is very unlikely that you are going to meet your husband as teenage sweethearts. This is not to say that dating as a teen serves no purpose. There is a lot you can learn from dating as a teenager. Just make sure that you go into your dating relationships with eyes wide open and not fall into the illusion or fantasy that this young man is your eternal destiny. Do not get TOO overemotionally involved. You may genuinely care for him, even love him in a healthy way, without making him the center of your universe. If the intensity of your feelings for him is a 10 on a scale of 1-10 then you better slow down. Remember what I said earlier about the heart and the head.

Things that you should be learning while dating as a teen is how to relate to a boy. Learn what things you like and what things you don’t like. Learn what you find attractive and what is not attractive. Learn how to read him. Do his actions back up his words or does he say one thing with his mouth and do another in his activity? Does he respect you? Does he respect your parents? What are his values? Does he love Jesus? Is his Christian walk genuine? How does he behave around his peers? How does he talk about you? How does he talk about his parents? How does he treat his mother? How does he treat his sister? What are his strengths? What are his weaknesses? Is this a man you can respect? Is this a man you could submit to? What kind of father would he make? Is he compassionate towards others? Is he transparent in his feelings? Does he keep secrets? Can you trust him? These are just some of the questions that you need to ask. These are things you need to know. These are things you need to learn to look for. You can only learn these things from the human interaction that we call dating.

As we have discussed, any boy that you go out with must meet with your mother and I before any first date. We want to meet this young man. We want to know about him, what he values. Most importantly, we want to make sure that he respects our values and will respect you. Trust your mother and I on this.

You want to choose a boy of good character. Physical attractiveness is certainly an attention getter, but it can not sustain a long term relationship. Things happen in life that can cause someone to lose those physical qualities that we found so enticing. People can get ill, suffer injury, lose their hair, gain weight, and any number of things. When your commitment is based upon who the person is rather than what he looks like, you will have a more lasting relationship.

Here are the qualities that you should look for in a boy. He should be a Christian. That is a biblical teaching and can not be compromised. The Bible teaches us not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. He must love Jesus more than he loves you. He should be a person with a high moral compass. This does not mean perfection. We all fall short of God’s standards of holiness. But, he should be someone with high moral standards and a sincere desire to live up to them. He should be compassionate towards others. He should be courageous enough to stand up to peer pressure and do the right thing. He should be a good provider (potential in your case). He should be someone who respects you, loves you, and honors you. He should treasure you. He should have an active Christian walk. He should have a good work ethic. And your mother would be upset with me if I forgot to mention…he should be able to fix things (lol).

I want to say a word about online relationships while we are talking about this. I know how easy it is to make personal connections with people you meet online, whether it is a game, or web forum, or chat room. I have made several good friends myself this way. However, this is NOT a good way to meet a boyfriend. Remember that dating is an audition for future husband. While you can connect with others in a real and meaningful way online, it is incomplete. The medium of text messages, chat rooms, email, and even phone calls, still leave so many gaps in your knowledge of the other person. While the semi-anonymity of the chat leaves a great opportunity to open up about yourself and connect with someone, it also allows someone to hide a lot of other information about themselves. What you present of yourself to the other person is only what you want them to see about you. What you see of them is only what they want you to know. The things you need to know about a person while dating can only be obtained from actually spending real quality time together in person on a frequent basis.

I have read several sad tales of internet romances that turned sour or backfired. One woman went to meet her online boyfriend in real life and found out that he was married with a family. Girls pretend to be boys, boys pretend to be girls. Girls have been found dead because they went to meet their online boyfriend only to find that he was an older man who wanted to sexually exploit young girls. No matter what someone says online, you really don’t know who they really are. So DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ONLINE PERSONALITY! You can be friendly with them, but don’t fall in love. In fact, to be safe, make sure that your mother and I know who you are chatting with online. We say this not to snoop, but to make sure that you are safe.

Speaking of safety, when online, follow these rules…

1. Never give out personal information such as your full name, where you live, where you go to school, etc.

2. Make sure that your mother and I know who you are chatting with. We want to know all your friends, including your online friends. We want to know this only to make sure that you are safe.

3. NEVER go to meet an online friend on your own. The ONLY people who should be going with you to meet an online friend is your mother and myself and only after we have  screened this person to make sure that it is being done in a safe manner. Some would say that it is a bad idea to EVER meet someone you met online. The only thing that I am concerned with is your safety. If ever anything ever happened to you I would die.

ON SEX

Sex is designed by God to be a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman who have committed themselves to each other for life through marriage. That is God’s design and that is our expectation of you. We want you to treat your virginity as a precious jewel to be given only to the one you choose as your husband. If he truly loves you then he will truly wait.

Remember that when you are dating that you should be conscious of the struggles both you and your boyfriend will have in maintaining your purity. The best way to resist temptation is to not give it an opportunity. Do not put yourself in situations where it will be difficult to pull away when in the throws of passion. Don’t go off alone into private places. Stay in public or semi-public places. Yes, you may kiss your boyfriend. No, do not touch sexually arousing places on each other’s bodies. Sometimes, once things get started it becomes difficult to stop the momentum. Next thing you know, you have done something that you regret. Be aware that he struggles too, so be sensitive to that when you are together.

Do not dress provocatively. You may be wishing to attract the attention of a certain boy by dressing that way, but also remember that other males will be looking at you in the same way. You may want to catch the eye of the QB of the football team. You also may catch the eye of the school janitor who is 55, bald, overweight, and missing 3 teeth. Did I gross you out? Good, because that is the truth. Men are visually stimulated. Many men will fantasize when they see a sexually stimulating image. If you are not making your body available (and you are NOT), then don’t advertise it.

Some ask “How far can I go without going too far?” If you are asking that question, then your heart may not be in the right place. Your question should be “how can I honor the person that I am with?”  The “how far” question is a question that reveals a selfish attitude in yourself or the other person. What you are seeking is not a God honoring relationship, but rather a pleasure experience for yourself. Some have even tried to say that as long as you don’t have sexual intercourse then you are still a virgin, that only intercourse is sex. That is not true. To truly honor yourself, God, and the other person, is to avoid direct sexual stimulation of any kind. A kiss is one thing, but touching of breasts or genitals in any way is not God honoring and will ultimately lead to other things. Honor yourself. Honor God, Honor the boy you are with (even if he will not honor himself).

Finally, you will most likely hear many things about sex from your friends at school, on television, online, and other places. If you have any questions about what you see, hear, or read about, please come to your mother or me. We will answer them honestly, in a God honoring way, without embarrassing you or judging you. Some things you may hear talked about are not God honoring expressions of sexual love. Some may be wrong because they are spoken of in the wrong context, but may be very right in a loving marriage. We are here for you, always.